Psychosis

Today morning when I opened my eyes, something was hindering my next move towards getting up. The rays of sun were pushing me more and more in the darkness. The morning seemed to be like a dark night. Everything was visible since my eyes were not able to visualize anything. The sound was audible but got transformed into the unclear noise by the time it reached my mind.

Whole body was burdened with strong pressure of pain which made me so helpless that I was unable to do anything; I was unable to feel anything; I was unable to move; I was unable to get up.

Fighting with all those negative forces, I got up and got rid of my bed, sat on the couch next to my bed and tried to recollect I dreamt of what last night which has made me so uneasy this morning!

After giving it a thought, I could recollect a blur image of my last night’s dream in which I was somewhere in the mid of the ocean standing lonely on a small hill in the mid of the sea (water, water and only water around) and strong stubborn waves were making me all the more helpless and weak. Deficient I was all soaked and my body was shivering with numb senses.
The sea turned into red after some time and I was still standing numb on that small hill in between the dark red sea. No one was there around; I was able to see none and my eyes were searching for someone to take me away from that scary world of negative and scary images.
Suddenly next moment the red water waves took me along in spite of all my attempts to fight against and I vanished somewhere (‘?’).

What happened after that is totally out of my mind.

I don’t know what is going to happen next & I am not able to infer the reason of this dream as sometimes dreams are said to convey some message from outside of own self, such as spiritual guidance and sometimes interaction with Him.

He might be trying to indicate something for which I am waiting (Although I don’t want it to happen in reality).

“The Deity”

She is the one who devoted her life for getting nothing

She is the one who endured for everyone else except her own

She is the one who didn’t utter a single word in spite of everything against her

She is the one who sustained although she was not supposed to

She is the one to whom I love the most

She is an aide to my path

She is the one for whom I live

She is the one for whom I want to prove myself

She is the reason of me; being alive

She is the fortune of happiness in my life

She is the one who has taught me how to survive

She is the one who will be there in my soul till I am alive

She is the one because of whom I could be what I am

She is the one who is a support to me

She is “The Deity” of my inner soul

I adore HER for being with me every moment, every second!

My “Yearn”…

Let me explore my wings and let me fly

Let me come out of the world of being shy

Let me live my dreams to move high and high

Let me incline and touch the ceiling of sky

Let me be wrong and let me grow as rye

Let me get released and get myself untie

Let me hollow in the sea and remove the layer of dye

Let me be myself and taste as sweet as pie

Let me let myself follow My “Yearn” and give it a try

Let me do what I wish; let me live, let me die

What else do I want..?

Until now I was in my own world of joy; wholly free n untouched by the burden of responsibilities; entirely in the world of my own dreams. Suddenly since last 3 days I was all worried about my future, I didn’t know why some intuitions were hindering my confidence in my own self.

I have so many things to do but suddenly I started feeling that I am running out of time, I feel like my freedom is going to cease. I feel like this time will vanish soon and I will be left with nothing in my hand. The feeling of insecurity n fear had started scaring me even at the time when I was relaxed and suddenly I used to be overwhelmed by the feeling of depression.

I felt like God wanted to tell me something. The negative waves were trying to hit my inner energy of all positivism. At times I felt like I was going nowhere, I got all numb n disappointed.

Throughout yesterday night I couldn’t sleep & I discovered the reason of this negative feeling coming on my way by asking my self the 2 questions:

- Don’t I have everything?

The answer was I do have everything that I want from my life including: Parent’s Support; Pleasant state of mind and body; Love of all I deserve from: Credentials; Everything that I need.

- Did I have to compromise in my past life?

The answer was I did not make any compromises so as to adjust with the situation. I did what I wanted to and that too without any obligations of anyone.

Then I realized that life gives us everything we deserve, but we are the ones who keep expecting more and more. Once we get that more; the definition of more is changed by that time!

Now I am all happy and relaxed with the determination that everything is given to me but the only thing is I will have to explore it and utilize the inner energy so as to get what I deserve; not what I want as I am also one of the tribes and the definition of what I want can never be justified throughout the life.

My trust towards my God n Myself will never be less in spite of everything coming against me and my goals, because I know it will be for some reason which I will be able to explore after I have passed that phase.

Finally the excursion from “I don’t have what I want” to “What else do I want..?” has landed me on the island of contentment.